Tag Archives: meatheads

If the Zombie apocalypse…

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If the zombie apocalypse happens, don’t be a whore.  That’s probably the only relevant thing that could be said after the introductory phrase.

Why are people always talking about zombie apocalypses, and why do I always walk into those conversations?  Is there something that I do not know?  Have bath salts increased in usage?  Are they putting them in our fast food?

If the zombie apocalypse happens, I promise to give myself over to the zombies, and lead them to the homes of those that speak of preparing for said apocalypse like one might happen any day now.  “Don’t take our guns away because if you do the zombies will eat my family”!

It is my belief that fighting the apocalypse would only create more stress in my life.  The world would never rebound from such a thing anyway, so giving in seems appropriate.

Dang.  Now I am speaking of zombie apocalypses like one could really happen.

What is happening to the world!?!?!  Maybe the apocalypse has already happened…

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Unmom thoughts a plenty- Tastefully Simple Nonsense

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Today is a day on the job.  I have nothing of value to share, nor do I ever.  

Today the female child dressed like a crazy person.  It is mismatched day at school, and oh boy was she mismatched.  I found myself snickering at her behind her back– only to remember that she did this on purpose.  I can laugh at her to her face. This change of function is overwhelming, and confusing.

 I would never actually laugh at my children behind their backs.  

Actually I would, and I do.  Then I make them fix whatever I am laughing at.  The lesson for them is that one should not take life too seriously.  Or it is that their mommy is awkward, cynical, sarcastic, and rude?  I’ve never been great at teaching lessons.  Or at illustrating points.    I greatly hope that they are so used to me that they do not even notice.  They are also slightly odd.  Mamma’s little weirdos.  

Then I get to work.

To my amazement, meathead #3 brought in rather church-picnic-like spread of tastefully simple delicacies.  He also brought in the catalog– should we want to order of course.  This might sound wonderful, however there are a few problems with this situation.

1.  Why is meathead #3 involved with Tastefully Simple

2.  These things are likely poisoned.  They hate me.  It could be for the things that I hope my weirdos do not notice about me, or it could be because I call them meatheads.  It’s neither here nor there. 

3.  I am on a diet.  You stupid meatheads.  Don’t bring your luxurious home party hoopla in my presence.  Malarchy! 

4.  If these things are not poisoned, they likely have steroids in them.  I swear I saw meathead #1 injecting meathead #2 in the posterior.  It looks like Spicy Peppercorn dip, but it is actually anabolic steroids.  The last thing I need is ‘roid rage.  I think I already have it actually.

5.  The warehouse smells like used kitty litter.  That has nothing to do with the tastefully simple.  Or does it?

 

These are the reasons why this nonsense will not stand.  

UnMom thought of the day: Meatheads have tiny brains (as well as other tiny man parts associated with their brains)

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Is this the best way to start off my newest blog?  Too late now.  I already thought it.  I work with some freaking beasts of meatheads.  Seriously, they have the muscles, the swagger*, and the tiny little brain capacities.  I am fairly certain that I just wrote the definition of meat head.  If not, then someone please contact Websters!  I am sure I am correct.    Here is another really excellent definition of meathead: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=meathead

More stories of the follies of meatheaddom will follow in this blog.  How could they not?  I am surrounded by the insignificant, yet cocky, tiny brained, and teeny tiny peniled freaks.  I wish I had x-ray vision.   I swear I would not abuse it, but merely test out my theory on how tiny these men really are.  Seriously, I bet all of their organs are smaller than normal.  Large muscles shrink internal (and external) organs.  It’s a scientific fact that I just made up.

On another note, I should not be given x-ray vision.  I would abuse it.  I think the more I think about it X-ray vision frightens me.  There are far too many things I would not want to see.  Actually- scratch that again- x-ray vision would be a great diet plan.  I wouldn’t ever be able to eat again.

Oh and welcome to my blog.  There is no point to this blog.  Well maybe if you think that reading my unmom like thoughts is meaningful.  If that is the case, I am glad that I can be such an important part of your life.  If that is not the case, it’s ok too.  I’m pretty sure that my happenings are making me dumber on a daily basis.  I blame other people.  People are mostly dumb, but amusing.  Amusing little dummies.  I suppose I should blame the government so as to fit in.  F you Cuomo.  Just kidding Andy.  I have no problem with you.  I’m too busy mocking muffin tops in my head, and then feeling guilty because I have a muffin top too.

On further note, I heard one of the meatheads say the word hashtag before he said something today.  It went like this, “we are supposed to count how many boards are over there, hashtag I don’t care”.    At this time, I mumbled under my breath, Hashtag tiny-man-parts, hashtag meatheads.

*swagger is defined by myself as the way a person walks.  Typically this walk involves a puffed up chest, flared out arms (so as to see the muscles), and a slow and meticulous sway.  There is nothing attractive about this walk.  It is more like a rooster, and roosters eat their own poop.  Therefore the new definition of swagger has more to do with men who walk funny and eat shizz.  This makes sense because I said so.