Unmom thought: My Kids Suck– Family Photos- What the freak was I thinking!


It’s that time of year again for me to think like a total absurd idiot.  

“Hey!  Family photos- Wouldn’t that be grand”, said the moron.

The day started out as any other day– me yelling at my kids to get ready, and look perfect.  Just kidding, no day starts like that, except that one special day a year where I want them to pretend to be incredibly good looking super models.  My expectations are not too high– I only want everything to be absolutely perfect.  Is it too much to ask my children to be liars one time per year?  Let’s convey the image that we are a beautiful, yet hip, loving, yet strong, photogenic-hot-monsters.  That is a real thing.  

I suppose I should be proud that I raised my children to be who they are.   They suck.  I love them, but can’t a mom get a nice photo?  

The girl, she was fine.  Striking poses, hugging, requesting pictures, smiling away.

The boy, he was, well he was himself.  Having super mom foresight, or maybe it is just average person common sense, I knew he would be a tad bit difficult.  I made him promise that he would be good.  I made him practice his smiles.  I even did what all moms do, but never admit to: I bargained with him.  A new car for good photos?  Seems like a fair trade.  

And he outsmarted me.  Well kind of.  I always win. He didn’t get the car. 

It was a beautiful fall day, and I had already given the super-trendy-in-demand photographer my check for these pictures that were sure to turn out ultra cool and chic.  I peeped out their website, and thought to myself, “wow all of these people are so good looking, he must be magical”.  

Let the magic begin.

My little boy posed for photo 1 with poise, and with grace.  Just kidding.  He was wiggling around, grimacing, and flinging a stick that he found.  Glad I insisted on doing outside photos.  I changed my mind about fall colors that morning.  F#&* fall colors.  

Immediately following the first few clicks of the camera, my loving son proclaimed, “there, got my picture taken, I’m all done, let’s get my new car”.  WHAT THE WHAT?!?!?! No you are not! That’s crazy talk.

From there on out, the child would not sit, stand, hold still, act normal, or smile.  Furthermore, every single picture arrangement involved me squeezing him into place, holding him down, and trying desperately to effectively threaten his existence while smiling.  That should look interesting.  I had no time to pose, suck it in, fix my hair, or smile correctly.  I am positive that when these pictures come out, it will be me that looks absolutely absurd.  

Not to mention that my face is crazy as shizz, all of the time.  I have what is known as Overly Animated Facial Expressions syndrome, or OAFES.  I made it up, and it is real.  Seriously, this face is freaking nuts.  It betrays every thought I have.  When the photos become available, there are guaranteed to be some gems on there.  I will share.

Then there were the photographers.  I freakin loved these guys.  Seriously, they were super cool, but they kept saying things like, “don’t sweat it, we are used to little kids acting like this”.   Yeah sure.  I’m sure you aren’t sweating it.  You have hardly any photos to edit because in our hour session you got maybe 15 photos.  Did you guys send yourselves a check for our photo session?  I’m super glad you guys have dealt with the craziness of toddler psychodom.  I however paid for this shizz.  Dang it!  Captain crazy of the toddler nightmare wins again!  Is it possible for you guys to just give us another families photos?  Can you photoshop our charming little faces over theirs?  Can I be tall?  Isn’t there anything you can do to save this?  Help me magic photo man!

Can’t wait to see how they turn out.  


One response »

  1. Pingback: Unmom thought: My Kids Suck– Family Photos- What the freak was I thinking! | unmommed

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